If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “Why do I keep messing this up?” or “What’s wrong with me?”—especially when a relationship starts going well—you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.
So many people repeat painful patterns in relationships. We ghost people we like. We chase people who don’t want us. We avoid emotional intimacy, or we overfunction and lose ourselves trying to be what someone else needs. It can feel confusing, shame-inducing, and deeply frustrating.
But here’s the truth most people don’t tell you: self-sabotage is usually self-protection in disguise.
Why We Sabotage Relationships (Even When We Want Love So Badly)
At first glance, it doesn’t make sense. Why would you pull away when someone finally treats you well? Why would you stay in something that hurts you? Why would you test, withdraw, or panic just when things seem stable?
Because somewhere deep down, love doesn’t feel safe.
Self-sabotage often comes from earlier experiences—childhood attachment wounds, trauma, rejection, betrayal, or emotional neglect. If you learned that love meant abandonment, inconsistency, or control, your nervous system will go into high alert the moment things start to feel vulnerable. Even if you consciously want a secure, healthy relationship, your body and subconscious may still be bracing for pain.
That’s why you might:
- Pick fights out of nowhere
- Withdraw emotionally or shut down
- Cling or become hypervigilant
- Chase emotionally unavailable people
- Stay in relationships that feel familiar but unfulfilling
These aren’t signs that you’re defective. These are signs that parts of you are scared. They’re trying to keep you safe the only way they know how.
Why Willpower and Logic Don’t Work
Most of the advice out there is surface-level:
- Just communicate better
- Set clear boundaries
- Know your worth
- Stop settling
And while all of those are great goals, they’re incredibly hard to do when your nervous system is dysregulated or your inner world feels unsafe.
You can’t “logic” your way out of emotional patterns that were formed in non-logical moments. You can’t force yourself to feel secure if your body is still stuck in survival mode. That’s why real healing requires more than affirmations or willpower. It requires compassion, nervous system work, and support.
So, What Actually Helps?
To stop self-sabotage, you have to go beneath the surface. You have to work with the parts of you that are scared, protective, or stuck in old emotional loops—and help them feel safe, seen, and supported.
This kind of work doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not something you can always do alone (no matter how many books or podcasts you devour).
That’s where a good relationship coach comes in.
Not just any coach—but someone who understands trauma, attachment, and the complexity of human emotion. Someone who can help you regulate your nervous system, make sense of your patterns, and actually feel safe enough to change.
If you’re wondering how to find someone like that—or whether coaching might be a good fit for you—I wrote a full guide to help you make that decision. It includes:
- What relationship coaching is (and what it isn’t)
- Red flags to avoid
- How to choose someone who actually gets it
- Why self-compassion and nervous system work matter more than surface-level fixes
Read the full post here: Don’t Hire a Relationship Coach Until You Read This First
You’re Not Broken. You’re Protecting Yourself.
Self-sabotage isn’t about being lazy or dramatic or “too much.” It’s about scared parts of you doing their best to stay safe.
And the beautiful thing? With the right support, you can start showing those parts a new way.
You can stop sabotaging love—and start receiving it. But it starts with the relationship you have with yourself.